There is a large number of carers that are helping people around the world. Those in the UK is approaching 7-million.
According to Carers UK, three out of five people will be a carer at some point in our lives. Here I share my experience of being a carer, and how yoga helped me navigate the most challenging times.
Becoming a carer
A few years ago, I cared for a loved one who developed a crippling and devastating depression. As a GP, I hear hundreds of patient stories of depression; the symptoms of hopelessness and helplessness, agitation, rumination, insomnia, the suicidal thoughts. Though I’d heard it all before, I’d never witnessed mental anguish like it at first hand so close to home – so constant, cruel and debilitating.
I launched into full action mode: pushing headlong into a fight against an illness I thought I knew so well. I believed, arrogantly, that I would find the answers to solve this problem. I researched various therapies and specialists, pinned hopes on increasing numbers of medications, enacted all and any interventions I could think of from dietary changes, exercise and micro-managing daily routines. I considered moving us out of the city, getting a dog. Yes, I even pushed yoga and meditation hard on someone with zero will or energy. No matter what I did, nothing seemed to help.
Life changed. Months turned to years and the depression was unremitting, ever-present. I was in constant dread for what fresh misery might present next, bracing myself every day to firefight new crises. I couldn’t escape the caring role either at home or work, and I developed signs of compassion fatigue – I was exhausted, irritable and disconnected, incapable of empathy or usefulness.
A definition of compassion fatigue (Merriam-Webster dictionary):
‘the physical and mental exhaustion and emotional withdrawal experienced by those who care for sick or traumatised people over an extended period. Unlike burnout, which is caused by everyday work stresses, compassion fatigue results from taking on the emotional burden of a patient’s agony.’
Yoga as a refuge, friend, and teacher
During this time, I started a two-year yoga teacher training. Looking back, only now I appreciate how serendipitous it was to immerse myself in it. There are so many ways that yoga held me close and threw me a lifeline during the years I spent caring.
Having permission to do something other than caring was huge. Being on the mat became my self-care. I got out of the house to attend classes, connected with a yoga community full of friendly souls and spent as much time laughing as I did crying. And of course, the physical, breath and meditation practices helped in and of themselves – they magically soothed a mind and body brimming with guilt, anger, resentment and sadness.
Yoga philosophy became a living practice. So many of the teachings spoke to me directly – like song lyrics that pierce deeply in moments of heartbreak, I drank them in. One day, when I was frustrated that I missed class, my teacher assured me, ‘you are doing your yoga by not coming to class today.’ I realised for the first time that the practice of love, kindness and care was yoga in action right there.
The inner work of yoga helped to rework my psychology – building acceptance and shining new perspectives on a changed life. By cultivating equanimity, I tried not to cling desperately to the good days and resist the bad. I stopped turning to yoga to simply escape, and connected with pain, in and out. By looking within, I opened my heart bit by bit to whatever unfolded and let down my fears. Somehow, fresh compassion and empathy which had been lost over those years, reappeared, as did joy.
An extract from The Untethered Soul, by Michael A. Singer,
‘The alternative is to enjoy life instead of clinging to it or pushing it away. If you can live like that, each moment will change you. If you are willing to experience the gift of life instead of fighting with it, you will be moved to the depth of your being. When you reach this state, you will begin to see the secrets of the heart. The heart is a place through which energy flows to sustain you. This energy inspires you and raises you. It is the strength that carries you through life’
One day, I stopped trying to be a saviour. I realised that I needed to care, not cure, and understood that it wasn’t my sole responsibility to fix anything or anybody. I tried hard to love unconditionally and discovered, remarkably, that this was more than enough.
Through the practice of yoga, I got out of my own way and saw paths to action light up ahead with more clarity. Like all of life’s challenges, this caring gave me the gift of personal and spiritual growth. And although forever a work in progress, I became a better carer and, I hope, a better doctor too.
My tips for those who are caring
- Recognise you are a carer. Carers are often unseen and unheard. You might not consider yourself a carer because you assume it’s your responsibility or you provide emotional rather than physical or practical support. Mental Health carers make up around 1.5 million unpaid carers in the UK. Recognise just what you are doing for another human being.
- Cry Let yourself cry, feel sorry for yourself and allow any emotions to arise and let them out. Have you ever found yourself crying in Savasana? So have I, and it’s OK.
- Good enough You can do no more than your best. Stop blaming yourself, and know that it is OK to set boundaries. Boundaries are key to avoid burning out.
- Ask for Help You do not have to be alone. People are remarkable and will surprise you time over with their kindness. By asking, you can find strength and support in places you didn’t know existed – friends, family, work colleagues, or other carers who know what you’re going through.
- Me time. Because you need and deserve it. According to the Carer’s UK State of Caring report 2019, 64% of carers do not focus on their own needs. And Me time doesn’t just mean tending to your basic Don’t forget the things that bring you joy and spend time in that place whenever you can.
- Have faith The worst times won’t last forever. Take refuge in the calm moments, which do come. And allow yourself – just see if you can – to trust the Universe and the unfolding of what will be.
- Practice yoga Take what you can from your practice – time away, movement, meditation, rest, community. Know that yoga truly encompasses more than physical practice – something which I had not fully appreciated for the longest time. There is richness and wisdom in its teachings if you open up to them, that can change your life.
For Carer’s support and information:
https://carers-network.org.uk/
Supporting those with mental health: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helping-someone-else/carers-friends-family-coping-support/am-i-a-carer/
